Growing Pains

Happy New Year everyone and welcome back to my blog. A lot has changed since my last entry. I’ve changed, my location has changed and overall I’m a happier person because of it. Do these changes look remotely how I planned them to? No, but here we are chugging on to see another day.

Upon turning 25 I was hit with depression out of the blue and I had no one to turn to which is normal because I’m usually always supposed to have it together. So I turned to God for understanding and the answer that I got was to write the vision and make it plain. So that's what I did. Two months before Thanksgiving I was sitting at my desk contemplating life on the brink of crying when I decided to make a list (the vision) and at the top of my list I said I wanted to quit my job. Didn't know what I’d do after that so I said “God would fund this idea and that I wouldnt have the financial burden with my day to day living. Two weeks later I put in my intent to resign all because I got a contract position in Atlanta Ga. Still with no plan. Now if you’ve been following me for sometime you’d know that this wasn't my first attempt at trying to move to Atlanta. After college it was supposed to be me in Atlanta figuring out my road to celebrity but covid had other plans. I didn't get the job and couldn't snag another one and because the numbers didn't add up I couldnt just move only on faith.

So I told myself I’d wait, better planning will come from waiting and better jobs but covid never calmed down. Eventually the dream went to the back row and I was forced into adulting head on. Depression settled in because I was altering the plan that I’d already made for myself to fit my current situation. I was getting ready to buy a car. I was drafting a custom built home with a draftsman, viewing land with realtors and working a job that ultimately I hated but paid my bills every month and was affording me travel to places far away from home and I was dating. Failed tremendously every time but I was dating. It was comfortable but it wasn't the plan. I was tired of being a hand in someone else’s dream. I was tired of giving myself to men who didnt deserve it and I was tired of having the American Dream thats really not even real.

All my life I’ve been searching for the real. The real answers to Love, the real answers to the government and why they handle things the way they do and just real answers to life. I wanted to live a life of purpose and just not be comfortable with what I was given. I wanted my work to be valued and I was tired of being overlooked by an entire community of people who’s main objective was to misunderstand me. So the only smart plan would be to run! Far away from that. And that’s what I did. I started drafting this plan that I thought was bulletproof; however the devil had different kinds of bullets I guess. I still couldnt lose sight though.

The hardest part about growing for me is feeling myself literally be pulled away from what I once knew and who I’ve worked so hard to become.

Giving up my fully furnished 2bd/2ba apartment is a pain

Quitting my stable, secure job is a pain

Giving up the ability to say that I am the table, I built the table and you cant sit here is a pain

However, staying somewhere you've clearly outgrown is most uncomfortable. Imagine, being 25 trying to fit in 2t clothes. Alarming right? Embarrassing too. Imagine the pain it would be to try to get your big grown self in those clothes everyday. That's how it felt waking up everyday going to a job that didn't fulfill or reveal purpose to me and I said it 1 million times I’d rather be somewhere happy and uncomfortable than unhappy and comfortable. Like being comfortable with the ideal of never being someones wife because i’m only surrounded by baby mamas. Or being comfortable with settling for a safe life rather than having all that my mind can imagine or fathom. I wanted MORE. I DESERVED more. With all the odds against me and not having everybody in my corner I packed my shh up. I told God, God if you push I’ll pull and so far I’ve been pulling. Has it been cute? Nope, I still haven't arrived and I live here now. But it's rewarding and worth it. Do I see purpose here? Yes, everyday I have new ideas of how I can inspire people and use my platform to be an inspiration to others and that's all that matters to me. Am I happy? Yes!!!

So with all that being said. You girl has finally moved to Atlanta. After two years of what seemed like the end of the world and waiting I’ve finally moved to a city where I feel like purpose can be revealed. Along with my new city I bring positive vibes for myself and unconditional love.

Everyday I wake up and tell myself I love myself:

“I love you, you’re doing a good job.”

Everyday I spend time with God.

Again, even though I had a plan God’s plan was a lot different so do you God. If I never get that house, that car, or be a super star I’ll still be satisfied with God!!

And because of these things everyday seems to get just a little bit better. I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I’m not scared of it. Everyday I wake up I’m more of the woman I see myself being in my head and I strive everyday to just make myself happy and proud because I’m only living for myself. I can only let myself down. I have all that I need and my only want is to be successful and be who God showed me I can be.

Growing is hard, growing hurts but growing is necessary.

Words to always remember would be that before God desires to give you a person or purpose he desires to give you a PLACE. If you don’t feel like you're walking in purpose , assess your surroundings and your current location. Does the dream that God has shown you remotely look like it can be fulfilled here? If the answer is no then I strongly suggest you pray, and ask God for the vision. Write it down with a date and everyday strive toward that vision. Know that hardship will come but nobody got anywhere easy!!