R.I.P Baby E

So this past weekend was Homecoming. Such a joyous occasion if I do say so myself. Where people come back to their Illustrious Universities from far and wide to live out their teenage fantasy again just for 72 short hours.

I guess It is pretty true when people say “Enjoy college! These are years you’ll miss!” Cause Lord knows I miss them. Tough!

Nothing hits like kicking it in the johns and living off refund checks. Oh how I used to take 4 thousand dollar checks for granted!

Anyway, Homecoming is where men who never stood a chance in college comeback to have their Mike Jones moment and where women with the same animosity from back in the gap come back with that same stank face (just older looking). Lol! Where people who didn't get to fall in love in college get to fall in lust just for the weekend.

“Oh Dear mother, only you know about the flings this time of year brings”.

Homecoming for some is a turn up and for others an escape from reality. For me it’s both. It’s a reminder that who I am today and who I was back then(Baby E) are two totally different people (I have the sore legs to prove it)and secondly, if I wanted to, the hoochie still lives in my back pocket and could turn up with the best of them only if necessary. So of course Baby E participated in the festivities!

That is until things took a major left turn and Pine Bluff became a warzone, Forcing me and all the other folks to vacate the premises and go back to our respected homes because the Bluff was not for us anymore! Pine Bluff had changed and so had I. This weekend just confirmed it for me.

Earlier this week I had a breakthrough or revelation about where I was currently in life. A period of transition I called it! One that will require so much from me and out of me.

For those that know me, know that I don't like change. I want everything to be the exact same, just better. For the most part I want to be comfortable forever (Who dreams of being uncomfortable anyway?)

But change comes around sometimes and when it does you can’t help but answer the call.

Change is the complete opposite of what I want. Especially right now!

Sometimes change is good and sometimes change is necessary. In my case it’s necessary. Most of the time change is DEATH. In my case it’s death.

And whether we embrace it or not it’s inevitable especially if you’re wanting to go into your next phase of life, the one promised to you that is. I’ve spent my quarter century trying to pursue physical and spiritual wholeness and I’ve learned it is pretty much impossible without dying or death. Not physically(so please do not call the hotline on me!) but a spiritual one, I just wasn't sure when I’d actually come face to face with it, better yet accept it(definitely didn't think it would happen on homecoming weekend). I can admit that I ran from the transition a time or two in the past. I just wasn't ready to give up who I worked so hard to create. This person, this life I built. Learning to love the parts of myself that people tried to make fun of and I enjoyed being here. I worked hard to do that so why would I want to give that up. In my mind the underdog was finally on top and being accepted.

It was fulfilling until it wasn't anymore. God was pulling tough on my heart strings and I needed to answer.

Turns out I got more issues than a little bit and the only person that can fix it is Jesus! And the only way he could fix it is through sacrifice, so what did I give? Myself. The old version that is. All my life I thought death was HARD and that it hurt. To my surprise I was right! It is hard and it does hurt. Why? Because it’s something you have to do daily. (Die to self). I sacrifice my materialistic ways of thinking(because I'm bigger than things), I sacrifice my need to be accepted, I sacrifice my lustful ways of thinking, I sacrifice my need to control everything, I sacrifice my need of validation and I surrender myself to God(mind, body and spirit) daily. I always thought my pivoting point would be me somewhere lacking and begging God but physically I’m not lacking for much of anything. I have all that I need and most of my wants but none of that matters when you don’t have peace. The Eriya that everybody knows and loves is Chaotic. She’s a people pleaser, she doesn't like rejection, she’s not submissive and depending on your definition she’s a hoe too. She seeks approval/validation from others instead of herself and she never shows up to defend herself.

Sounds crazy once I say it out loud but it’s true. All the things I thought I’d ridded myself of before now we're just being masked or hidden. I’ve been bad to myself and I owe myself better than that. I knew that all that God promised me was on the other side of death, so Peace out baby E.

After a full weekend of staying up till the early mornings, drinking like a fish and being social beyond my new norm, I knew it was time to say goodbye to the girl I loved so much all these years. So I did. Execution style. I took a “Loving bath” which is really different from a regular shower, got a seafood boil, purchased a ticket for the showing of Halloween Kills (Probably not the best movie for a solo date) and I got the big popcorn. Why? Because I at least owed the old me that much. She deserved it. Did I enjoy myself? Kind of. Not so much.

The movie was terrible. I couldn't finish my ten dollar popcorn to save my life and I didn't have anybody to talk about the movie with.

For the people who swore that solo dating was fun please go to hell because it’s not all that great. I’d like a refund and I’m unsubscribing to your channel immediately.

It was worth it though. I actually took care of myself for once. Actually partaking in self care. At first it was hard to conceptualize self care because for so long people made it seem like self care was the things that you were supposed to do for yourself. I took care of myself daily so bathing was not an option for self care. Self care requires you to do the things you only wish someone else would do for you(Die to self for your good). I didn't grieve her that day but embraced the necessary changes I’d made so far. I apologized to myself and I showed myself the love she so desperately wanted from others and myself all this time. That night I got on my knees and prayed. Going to sleep I got rest and the next day I woke up brand new, and in peace(Called in to work). Is everything perfect? Nope it’s only been a few days but it's been worth it. I find peace in knowing that greater is coming and as long as I stay faithful I’ll be at peace even in chaos.

With the help of another blogger I was able to write a eulogy to my old self ( as dramatic as it sounds. With My 20 Somethings playlist playing in the background) it reads:

“ Today we say goodbye to the old Eriya Hobbs(Eriya J). She was a very nice girl but she was a slave to her emotions and those around her. As she took her last breath I took my first. She fought the good fight but her time ultimately came to a tragic end. We will remember her being the life of the party and the hottest of girls.

However, She leaves behind her:

• Fear

• Complacency

• Shame

• Regret

• Insecurity

• Self Hatred

• Mistakes of putting myself last

• Not loving myself properly

Today I send these back to the pits of hell from which they came. She is loved now and forever. I give her back to Christ where she should find rest and be reunited with him. And just like that I released all the kept me in bondage.”

I’m healed.

I’m freer.

I love and promise to take better care of this version of myself.

And the background music played on:

“I don't got time

Don't care who you with or what you dining

I’m doing it right

Self-care, self love, selfish”