The First Step Is..... Acceptance

Every time I’m honest with myself I call it a revelation. So yesterday I had a revelation and to say the least ,the truth stinks. And if I were being completely honest, I’d probably lie to myself 99.9% of the time just for safety measures, that's all!. What's a lie if you tell it in moderation or for your own good? Ding! Ding! I have the answer. It's still a LIE! Truth is the truth hurts, not just sometimes but all the time. What's even more hurtful is opening your eyes to the lies you tell yourself on the phone with someone who thinks you have it all together.

So, what happens when everyone around you is living in their prayer except you? You don’t have the man, you don’t have the career, you don’t have the children and the biggest of them all you’re not living the dream. What do you do? When everybody around you is one step closer to their end goal and you’re still waiting on the sideline cheering just waiting on your big break.

I’ll tell you..

You suck it up, you paint on a brave face and you lie. You lie to yourself and you lie to others, because lying and seeming okay feels a hell of alot better than being honest and crying yourself to sleep every night. Lying helps during those moments you just need a hug and you have absolutely no one around to give you one.

Did I think the road to my goals would be easy? Heck no! I just thought and expected my struggle to look a little different. But that’s the thing with God. everything you think or expect is not even close to what it’ll actually be.

However, I, Eriya Hobbs, never in my 25 years of living prayed for my current location. To be honest I thought I’d done the groundwork of building my success story on how I struggled as a child star and how I lived in Section 8 to get through college to pursue my dreams of becoming an actress. If y’all would've told me in 2019 that I’d end up a career coach I would have cursed you out and told you to get out of my face. I don't look like a career coach, man!. After college I thought I’d be able to live in my destiny for sure. I prayed for Atlanta, with happy hour and endless opportunities. I prayed for happiness and I was pretty sure I’d have my own tv show by 25. I didn't expect in my years of dreaming that I’d be a career coach, at an adult education center. I never thought I’d be living in a city I never had any plans of moving to. I never thought I’d be single with a roommate and a dog. I never saw 8-5 in my future so yes excuse me because I am a little hurt. A lot of hurt actually and which is why I’m not in a celebratory mood. Getting to 25 was supposed to be an accomplishment but I atleast want some accomplishments aside from just getting here. Had I known I’d be let down this bad I would’ve probably prepared myself for it. It’s really hard being positive when it seems like everybody around you is living and you're only getting by Not struggling financially but barely existing. Not feeling appreciated at my job. Not having enough time or space to invest in my career. All these things, I had to acknowledge and accept. Over the phone in a conversation I was supposed to be the successor in.

All my life I’ve had to work twice as hard to get half the recognition. It’s been long nights thinking of succession plan after succession plan. Trying to plan an exit strategy. Trying to make sure that all my hard work and my mother’s hard work was not in vain. Trying to find ways to reinvent, rebrand and remarket myself. I am exhausted. And for what? With nothing to show for it. If you asked some people they’d say “Oh Eriya is just spoiled and lazy. She lacks hustle, and she’s ungrateful blah blah blah.” Their opinion is not my business. However, If you asked me I’d tell you that I am grateful. Extremely grateful to be where I am right now.

But..

Enough common sense to know that I’ve outgrown this location, smart enough to know that I’m not gaining where I am all while not having a plan to get out of here.

So the fight continues. The fight that I have with who I raised to be who I believe I am and who I want to be.

My Holy Trinity

My morals- what was instilled in me

My beliefs- what I know God to be for myself.

Me- who I know I could be

My holy trinity or All three categories are what I face daily. They’re what make me, me! Unfortunately all the plans that I have always cancel one or the other out. How do I satisfy myself and keep everybody else happy?

• If I pack up and leave today I’d be poor without a place to live and my parents would be upset.

• If I stay, my parents would feel a sense of security but I’ll be unhappy, unmotivated and no steps closer to my goal.

• If I do move and have to pick up a hustle would my hustle be satisfying and glorifying to God?

I don't know and maybe I am not desperate enough to find out. I do know that God only funds his ideas and me moving here was funded by no one other than Him. but what’s next? I’ve done all the accepting I could do, Lord. If you don't have a plan I don't know what we're gonna do?

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