Its Always the Idea!

My entire life I've dreamt of the day I'd get married and start living “The LIFE!” I'd walk down the aisle, all eyes on me in this ugly ass dress and I'd get to this man (who didn't have a face) and just melt. Like my heart knew it found who it's longed for all these years. We'd turn to God,( who's really the pastor)say our vows and kiss. Literally the exact same wedding as Whitley and Dewayne's minus all the drama. Regardless, I was happy and the man remained FACELESS. This same dream played in my head rent free for years and to me that was confirmation that I was destined to be in love, I just wasn't sure who I'd be in love with exactly. So I started my quest, and I swear the world had little to no options for me, which left me disappointed and disgusted. I was so fixated on the idea of marriage but in reality it was few.far.and between. Every man that I'd come in contact with on this journey hadn't come close to the man in my dreams! Disappointedly, I changed my direction and started focusing on becoming the Rich Auntie. I knew I could learn to love, so I turned myself into the total package and for sometime it worked. Being a visible catch, still keeping my distance from men who showed any interest. I was off limits, the one people wanted but couldn't have. A force! However, that gets lonely too! QUICK!

Becoming the main character of my life took major work. Living in my truth of who I am and not who people perceived me to be. I'm intelligent, I'm a good time, I look good, I have an amazing personality, and most importantly I enjoy living in my feminine energy. I don't intimidate confident men. Which is who I was trying to attract. After finally ridding myself of this past breakup that was awful I was ready to get back out there and see what life after 21 had to offer.

Which led me to Tinder where I stumbled across a profile that I thought would change my trauma thinking for good.

Well, at least for a little while!

Now before you go judging, I don't use dating apps as a form of meeting people. Just thought this would be an effective way of doing it since we are in a panoramic!

A girl has to do what she has to do, PERIOD!

So I went in without expectations, "Maybe a hook up, a few drinks if I'm lucky" is what I'd say "but nothing major.

I mean it's the internet. In 2021!".

I still gave it a shot. It started with my bio. I gave directions with intentions so if you wanted me, you had to come correct right?. It was pure.

It read:

“If you like it, I'm pretty sure you'll love it.

FAQ:

I like dates, music and dominated/confident men. I believe in clear communication and pure intentions. However, I'm not sure what I'm looking for so let's get drinks and figure it out. Message me first."

Now, the first 9 swipes were immediate NO's they weren't remotely my type, with bio's about just "having a good time." or something sexual. Then came Mr. 10 (for the sake of privacy I will refer to him as Mr. 10) I swiped right and to my surprise we were already a match. I played it cool not to respond first. He didn't have a bio which meant he wasn't looking for anything (red flag #1). He didn't provide any instructions so there was no need to jump the gun, so I didn't. If he wanted me, he had to have read my bio in order to know what it was that I wanted, right?. Well he did I guess, because he messaged me twice. The first time I didn't even see it and honestly, I wish I would've just kept it that way.

From our first few conversations he'd checked off all the boxes on my list. He was educated (two degrees), nice looking, had great communication skills, family oriented, and did I mention he appeared to be tall! We talked for hours on end about random stuff and his communication was very clear(So clear that I had to go back and read the message for myself), he knew what he wanted out of life and the more we talked, the more I tried to find ways to fit in his world, even though I already lived in my own. What I liked most about him was the fact that he never sexualized our conversations and he always seemed like he cared about all the things I had to say. I started out the gate writing paragraphs about how I saw my life in the next few years (probably an immediate red flag from him). This went on for about two weeks and sad to say I was lowkey already in love with a man I'd never seen before. My friends knew of him and so did my parents and by this point I was asking for the prayer warriors to gather around because the Lord had done something great in my life again and I wasn't making it up.

When we talked he said things like "When you meet the family" or "You'll see" as if he had plans on keeping me around for awhile. Like he'd seen a future with me or something. Gag is, I still hadn't met the man. We were two weeks in when we finally decided to meet. On my terms of course (red flag #2). So I initiated the movies and that's where we met and I shot my shot(So caught up that I didn't notice I missed). He was everything I wanted at first glance. We touched and it felt organic. We talked during the movie like most black people and I loved it. He actually understood the underlying meaning of the movie and we were able to bond on that. After it was over neither one of us wanted to leave but didn't know how to extend invitations to our residences with it being past midnight.

The entire drive home all I could think about was my wedding date 11.11.22 with this man and he hadn't even asked me on a second date yet (never does) . I went home happy as hell about a first date and started making Tiktok's about how this man found his future wife and didn't even know it yet. That's when it hit me. He could be the faceless man in my dreams all along (WRONG)! After all, nothing since now has felt remotely real.

A few weeks had passed by and I'd cooked dinner for him and stayed the night ALREADY. Communication was still at an all time high and I thought things were going great until communication just stopped out of the blue. I mean he went missing for two days and I lost it (it hasn't been great since then).

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why can’t I ever keep people(men) around me for long periods of time?”

“Why is it always me?”

I immediately went into this mode of judging myself!

“I should've played it safe. I rushed things, this is all my fault!”

After beating myself up, I did what most women would do. I got on my knees and prayed. Hard! "God, if this man is for me, show me. I'm one of the dumb ones Lord I don't get your hints."

Well of course he answers me in ways that I have to sit down and think about (clues & hints) and that's when it hit me. I'd fallen back into my toxic way of thinking and found myself in love with the idea of another emotionless man. Once it hit me it did hurt. Not because things weren't working out, but because I ignored all the red flags(still do) just for the sake of getting to know someone! He was everything I wanted but it was clear that I wasn't what he wanted and he was just dragging me along because I was convenient. Sometimes you just know, but instead of validating yourself on always being right about people you try to mute the voice by saying things to yourself like "stop being negative" no that's not negativity that's your brain trying to stop you from making the same mistakes again. This went on for sometime and nothing got better. If anything it got worse. All in front of my eyes, but because it was fresh I held on to it for the sake of not running when I didn't get my way. Turns out the idea that I created was hurting me and wasting my time felt worse too. Why? Because he never saw anything with me and I knew it. I just let myself down. I felt like all my hard work that I’d put in to reinvent myself had gone down the drain.

Everything seems perfect. Finding true love. But then somehow it all turns wrong. We all like to think that dating is easy and falling in love is the hard part, but to be completely honest it's the opposite way around. Finding someone who honestly understands us and who's just as infatuated with us as we are with them is quite difficult. But the truth is, in many cases, you just fell for the idea of the person you've created in your head, and then you try to find a partner you can mold into being just that.

So that you guys don't make the same mistake that I made here are a few signs that you're falling in love with the idea of someone and not them:

Signs/Red Flags

• When people show you who they are. Believe them!

1. I fell for everything he told me he was instead of making an observation on my own. When people show you who they really are, believe them. Don't keep giving them the chance to show you that they don't like you. You're hurting your own feelings!

• If they wanted to, they would!

1. One thing that I had to stop beating myself up for was the fact that nobody felt it necessary to really date me. Men today don't take women on dates and If they do I guess I’ve finished last. However, If people especially men wanted to do something nice for you they would. Don’t make them and definitely don't feel bad. What one won't do, another one will. That’s your superpower!

• You live more in the future than the present.

1. Since I could remember my entire life has been planned out. From the wedding, to the home, the lifestyle, etc. Since I do everything with pure intentions it's very hard to live in the moment. "If you're not trying to marry me you're trying to upset me and I don't like that." Instead focus on the now. Now things are good. Can't worry about a time that hasn't come yet." Living in the present allows you to see things just as they are and not as you'd like for them to be. If you stay out of your fantasy world just a little while longer, you'll be able to see that he's playing games right in front of you.

• You constantly compare your relationship/situationship to others.

1. I've never had anything or anybody I ever felt like I could brag on. No guy I ever dated was brag worthy, and to be completely honest no man is brag worthy. Just keep your fantasies of what you'd like for you all to be tucked away in a closet because whenever you have an expectation no one ever seems to live up to it. You'll be old and gray crying about why your relationship doesn't look anything like the ones you see on Instagram and it's not fair.

• On paper, it's perfect!

1. Again, see them for who they are. Yes, he/she checks off all the boxes on your list but don't get so caught up in the checks that you forget to actually measure their character by what they show. Yea we like the same music and everything else but ultimately are you right for me?

• You find yourself wanting to change to meet their expectations.

1. Now, for a while I went back and forth on whether or not I should list this one as a sign. Sometimes change is good and necessary. Sometimes having someone inspire you to do a little better in life isn't bad. However, it's not okay if they hate everything about you except your (Ass)ets. You know it and because of it you want to change the way you walk, act, love and think. No, that's not okay. Instead, love yourself enough to know whether it's you wanting to change for you or you wanting to change for someone else. Love doesn't change you to fit it just accepts you where you are. Ultimately it makes you better.

In closing, putting yourself out there again after you've been hurt is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. You have to learn to re-love yourself all while trying to figure out how to love someone else. Know that it's okay to get impatient sometimes and want love for yourself. You deserve it. I've grown to despise people who equate loving others to the love that you have for yourself. I love myself enough. So much so that I'm ready for someone else to love me. Can I not be selfish for once?